The Xmen Present: The Loch Druich Mermaids
by Chellerbelle
Summary: The story of The Loch Druich Mermaids, X-men style. Includes cast and narrator commentary. Just for laughs.


**AN: **

_The Loch Druich Mermaids_ was requested by:

XOXheartAmy

* * *

There were once three brothers, John, Todd and Kurt, who happened across a troupe of merfolk. As seals, the merfolk came up on the beach by the loch one night and shred their skins. Now in human form, the merfolk danced naked upon the shore.

* * *

"They sound more like selkies to me," said Kitty.

**Don't ask me.**

"I can't believe I'm related to those two," Kurt said, pointing at Toad and Pyro.

"I have brothers!" Pyro exclaimed.

* * *

The three brothers became entranced with three of the mermaids, and they decided they wanted to marry them. So the three sneaked down to the shore and stole the skins of the three mermaids. When the merfolk went to collect their skins and return to the loch, the three mermaids, Kitty, Wanda and Amara, couldn't find theirs and were left stranded. Their family was heart broken to leave them behind.

Kurt, Todd and John came to the 'rescue' by taking a mermaid back to their respective homes and marrying her.

* * *

"Well," said Gambit. "At first I was going to dismiss this story, because Roguey and I aren't in it –"

"The world doesn't revolve around you," Jean said.

"Lies," Gambit replied, and then continued with what he was saying: "But now that people have been stealing stuff, this story now has my seal of approval. Get it? My _seal_ of approval?"

"I don't know which is worse," said Rogue. "Sexual innuendo or bad jokes."

* * *

The youngest brother, Kurt, saw that his wife, Kitty, was very unhappy.

* * *

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Lance said. "What's this about Kurt and Kitty? It's bad enough I have to compete with the tin solider over here, but now I have to deal with Nightcrawler?"

"So Kitty," said Rogue. "How does it feel to be so popular?"

"I am, aren't I?" said Kitty. "I think I even have more suitors than Jean!"

* * *

Kurt loved Kitty and couldn't stand to see her pining after her family day after day. So finally, he gave her back her skin and let her return to the loch. Nine nights later, Kitty returned to the shore with her family. She introduced Kurt to them. Because her father, Charles, could see that Kitty loved Kurt as much as Kurt loved Kitty, he struck a bargain, and Kurt and Kitty would be reunited every ninth night.

* * *

"Why did her father need to strike a bargain?" Rogue asked. "Yet another example of women being treated like chattel in fairy tales."

"Maybe they needed an intermediary," Gambit suggested. "Like, they were too shy to broach the subject themselves. Let's face it, Kurt would have known that Kitty wanted to be with her family, so he may not have wanted to bring it up, and Kitty might not have wanted to discuss the possibility in front of her family."

"Or maybe that was the convention at the time," Kitty said. "You know, it doesn't really bother me. It's just a story."

* * *

The second brother, Todd, married Wanda.

* * *

"He did what?" Wanda screeched.

"Babycakes!" Toad exclaimed, arms outstretched towards her.

* * *

It happened, one day, that Wanda found her stolen skin. Without a word to her husband, she took back what was hers and returned to the loch, never to see him again.

* * *

"Oh, well," said Wanda. "That's okay then."

"Aww," Toad said, looking unhappily down at the floor.

"But think of it this way, mon ami," said Gambit. "You were married to her for a little while."

"Hey, I was, wasn't I?" Toad said happily.

"You just had to say it, didn't you?" Wanda said, giving Gambit a dark look.

"Oui."

"Wait a second," said Pyro. "That leaves just me and Amara."

Pryo and Amara looked at each other. Amara sniffed in disdain and Pyro pulled a face.

"Great," Pyro muttered. "Now I feel like a pedophile."

* * *

The eldest brother, John, found out about what happened to Toad and Wanda, and afraid that Amara might find her skin and runaway, decided to destroy it. Unfortunately, John didn't appreciate the connection the merfolk had with their skins, so when he burned Amara's skin, he also burned his wife alive.

* * *

**The end.**

"What?" Amara demanded. "How could you do that to me?"

**Well, Pyro's a fire bug. He was the optimal choice for a burning scene.**

"This is true," said Pryo. "And it also destroys all evidence of my brief period of pedophilia."

"You jerk!" Amara yelled at him.

"What? I'm a villain in case you haven't noticed," Pyro said.

**And you can turn yourself into magma, Magma. It seemed like the logical choice.**

"Come on, Amara," said Kitty. "It's just a story. It's not like you're really dead."

Amara crossed her arms and glared at everyone.

"Well, we can't end the story with someone pouting," said Gambit.

"Pouting doesn't get your seal of approval, huh?" Rogue asked.

"Nope. In fact, I think we should end this with a kissing scene. Come here, chère."


End file.
